Can We Really Forgive Everyone?

by Jeffrey Rubin, PhD

Dr. Jeffrey Rubin

Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

Recently, I began to think about forgiveness. It started while writing my previous post, “Saying Goodbye at Life’s End: A Meditation on Bob Dylan’s Song, ‘When the Deal Goes Down.’ In the song, Bob has a line that says,

We learn to live and then we forgive
O’er the road we’re bound to go

Where is the road bound to take us in this song? As I listen to its sad tone, I found myself interpreting these words as referring to our last days of life. I wondered, who are we to forgive for the fact that if we are born, we ultimately must end up dying. Are we to forgive nature or God for this sad state of affairs? To forgive is an intentional decision to let go of grudges, resentment and anger. My rational justification over the years for not forgiving has relied on two principles–1. most people want to be liked and respected, and 2. if I express my not forgiving to others about something I became angry about, it might promote the idea that such behavior leads to grudges, and as more and more people become aware of this, it might motivate people to behave better. At the same time, I’m aware that whenever I express anger toward someone whom I happen to be holding a grudge, this can provoke anger right back at me, perhaps leading to the person feeling justified for doing me a wrong.

That said, in the case of nature’s creation of life leading ultimately to death, rationally, I have no hope nature or God is going to change this state of affairs because I’m angry about it. So, I decided to seek to forgive this fact of life. I’m working on it.

But what about the many who have argued that letting go in general to grudges and bitterness can make way for improved health and peace of mind. For example, according to an article by the Mayo Clinic’s staff, forgiveness can lead to:

• Healthier relationships.
• Improved mental health.
• Less anxiety, stress and hostility.
• Fewer symptoms of depression.
• Lower blood pressure.
• A stronger immune system.
• Improved heart health.
• Improved self-esteem.

This same Mayo Clinic team informs us that if we struggle with forgiveness we might,

• Bring anger and bitterness into new relationships and experiences.
• Become so wrapped up in the wrong that you can’t enjoy the present.
• Become depressed, irritable or anxious.
• Feel at odds with your spiritual beliefs.
• Lose valuable and enriching connections with others.

Thich Nhat Hanh

As I was thinking about all of this, I happened to be reading Thich Nhat Hanh’s book, No Death, No Fear, which seeks to help us grapple with the loss of a loved one, and to confront our own mortality. Like the Mayo Clinic’s staff, Hanh is a big supporter of forgiveness. At one point, he writes,

We need to return to ourselves and embrace our blood and our spiritual ancestors. We cannot get rid of them. They are a fact, and they are there. They are part of our bodies and our souls. 

Soon after this, Hanh writes,

To accept others as they are, we must begin with ourselves. If we cannot accept ourselves as we are, we will never be able to accept others. When I look at myself, I see positive, admirable and even remarkable things, but I also know that there are negative parts of me. So first I recognize and accept myself.

To come to understand this on some rational level may be relatively easy, but when burning inside about some terrible wrong, that’s quite a bit more challenging. Hanh suggests a process in the form of a ceremony carried out over a few weeks can get us where we hope to end up. He refers to it as “Touching the Earth.” Here’s how he describes it:

When you touch the earth the first time, practice accepting all of your ancestors, just as they are. This is very important. Unconditional acceptance is the first step in opening the door to the miracle of forgiveness. Jesus said, “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who have trespassed against us.” He understood that the first step of forgiveness is to accept other people just as they are, even if they have harmed us

Wherever you are standing to practice, Touching the Earth — before a rock, or mountain, or flower, or altar in your home — practice conscious breathing. Breathing in and breathing out, you visualize your ancestors, and you see all of their positive and negative points. Be determined to accept them all as your ancestors without hesitation. After that, you prostrate, touching the earth with your knees, your hands, and your forehead. Stay in that position while you continue the visualization:

“Dear ancestors, I am you, with all your strengths and weaknesses. I see you have positive and negative seeds. I understand that you have been lucky and that good seeds like kindness, compassion and fearlessness were watered in you. I also understand that if you were not lucky and negative seeds like greed, jealousy and fear were watered in you, then the positive seeds did not have a chance to grow.”

From Hanh’s experience teaching this method for many years he has found it very helpful.

I hasten to point out that just because you end up forgiving, does not mean you are accepting negative conditions that are currently being carried out. Doing your best to display positive behaviors and attitudes can rub off on others. For Hanh, the ongoing of teaching the lessons of Buddha can water good seeds.

My blog draws on a variety of approaches to achieve similar ends. I have witnessed counseling with someone compassionate and willing to deeply listen to what the person is experiencing as he or she seeks the goal of achieving forgiveness for a particularly troubling anger issue. This can often be very helpful. Heartwarming stories of forgiveness can also be enormously helpful.

Well, those are some of my thoughts for the week.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. There is no cost for doing so. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

ForgiveForgivingThich Nhat Hanh