Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

Sometimes we say something to a lover, friend, or colleague and find we are being angrily criticized because what was said offended the listener. Regular visitors to this blog know I have discussed how to deal with criticism in a manner that enhance how much people will like and respect you (see as examples HERE, HERE, and HERE). In these posts, I made the case that one approach to responding to criticism in a likable manner is as follows:

Listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then, with the use of summarizing, make it clear that you fully understand what was said. Moreover, you put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that you are thinking about the criticism by asking for clarification about key points. If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, you make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If you are not sure if you agree, you make a statement indicating that you are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then you will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

In a later post, I suggested that:

In addition to actions consistent with the above approach, the most skillful folks seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go. That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism, thus showing a willingness to bend for the purpose of enhancing the relationship. Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most skillful individuals.

In addition to these descriptions, I provided many examples and practice sessions so readers could incorporate these ideas into their own approach to handling criticism.

Since publishing these posts, it has come to my attention that sometimes we are criticized because we said something that was in no way intended to offend the listener, but, nevertheless, indeed led to the person feeling offended. For example, some guy I know recently referred to a mature woman as a girl, and the woman took offense to this. The guy became defensive, insisting he fully respect women despite using that word. His tone, along with his insistence that he has no intention of changing, left hard feelings behind.

Lambers Fischer

While thinking about this, I came upon an excellent Ted Talk by Lambers Fisher titled, “What to do When you Offend Someone?“ I encourage folks to give it a listen. Here, I will discuss the two suggestions of his that I view as most helpful.

The First Suggestion

As Lambers Fisher puts it:

What’s offensive is not always about an absolute list of rights or wrongs, but more often something that was said or done that reminds someone of a past hurt and makes them fear that future harm is on the way. As a result, if you find out that you’ve unintentionally offended someone, I encourage you to resist the temptation to get stuck in the shock of the existence of the offense. Instead, accept the inevitability of offense. Take the time to learn what made that offensive to the person in front of you, and then make every reasonable effort to reduce the likelihood of repeating that offense moving forward.

So, as I interpret this point, we will first learn and come to fully accept and expect that people do become offended at things that may surprise us. In the example that I gave of a woman being offended because a guy referred to her as a girl, if you deeply learn this principle, you wouldn’t get stuck in the shock that she was upset about this. You would, instead, accept that this indeed offended her, and in a caring, compassionate manner seek to learn from her why she finds it offensive.

I remember my mother, who worked in a Wall Street bank as a secretary, would come home from time to time very upset explaining that one of the bankers got “fresh” with her. I learned that that meant someone did something very sexually objectionable to her. That left an awful feeling in her, and if those guys had been calling the secretaries “girls” maybe the association with that word and the sexual behavior might have stayed with her and brought with it fear of harm.

Whatever the reason, if you care about the relationship, rather than be stuck in the shock of finding out the offended person is offended, learn instead to express empathy regarding the feelings of the offended person. Letting the offended person know you intend to no longer repeat the offense is a great way to strengthen the relationship.

The Second Suggestion

Lambers Fisher puts it this way:

If you are informed that you’ve unintentionally offended someone and the first thing out of your mouth is the justification for how you didn’t know that it was offensive, it is emotionally reasonable for someone else to respond in frustration. “How could you not know? Everybody knows that that’s offensive.” 

Lambers encourages us to accept that there’s nothing everyone knows. Trying to convince the offended party of this when they are feeling offended is only likely to increase anger and frustration. If we can learn to accept the accusation without becoming defensive, and instead frame it as an opportunity to reduce our ignorance and the likelihood of the next offense, we are in a much better position to maintain, and even enhance, positive relationships.

Unfortunately, merely hearing a set of suggestions in a Ted Talk is unlikely to produce highly satisfying improved behavior. If these suggestions are to be truly used in the midst of some anger being expressed by the offended party typically you must practice it in a pleasant nonthreatening situation. To that end, I encourage you to find a partner who will act out with you a few scenarios that display an offended person reacting angrily while you employ the suggestions. Do this three or four times over several days, and you very likely will notice a distinct improvement in your skillfulness.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

conflict resolutioncriticismLambers FisherOffending Someone