What’s Better, Criticism, Critique, or Suggestion?
by Jeffrey Rubin, PhD
Welcome to From Insults to Respect.
My last couple of blog posts see (HERE & HERE) explored why criticism often leads to defensiveness. Shortly after I published these, one of my readers, Bob Parker, PhD, responded with an email saying,
Bob then invited me to have a phone conversation to further discuss this topic which I took him up on. Among the issues we discussed was his psychotherapy sessions approach to providing feedback to his clients. He prefaces his comments with the following words–“I’d like to make some suggestions. Are you OK with that?”As I thought about this, my mind went to how I would present ideas to my clients over the years, ideas that could be interpreted as criticism. I’m retired now from providing direct counseling service, instead providing free recommendations about handling criticism and enhancing respect through my blog. Reflecting back to my counseling days, I didn’t first ask for permission. Nor did I bother trying to make some distinction between criticism, critique, or suggestion. Instead, I would say something like, “I’m wondering if such and such would lead to a better outcome?” Then I would listen empathetically to my client, avoiding taking the position that I was right and my client was wrong. I often would say during these exchanges, ” I encourage you to consider whatever I say as a question, rather than a statement, because what might be right for one person might be wrong for another.”
So, hopefully you are beginning to get a sense of how people differ when providing feedback. Because these types of situations can ignite anger, defensiveness, and reactance, I’m thinking it might deepen our understanding of these situations by exploring this topic a little further. So, to that end, I decided to ask my two sons and my wife two questions–Do you prefer, when getting feedback, someone first asked you for permission? And do you have a preference for the words criticism, critique, or suggestion when someone provides feedback to you? So, let’s see what they had to say.
My Older Son, Lennon
Lennon, in his late-thirties, responded,
I think that’s a complicated question and depends on the situation, my emotional state at the time, and the person giving the criticism. For example, in my work environment, I don’t need any of my colleagues to ask permission to give work related criticism. I work in a very collaborative and professional environment where feedback is commonplace and I trust my colleagues to do it in a professional manner. However, if a random stranger wants to walk up to me to criticize the clothing that I’m wearing when I’m already having a bad day, I would appreciate them asking first so I could tell them no.
When asked if he prefers criticism, critique, or suggestion, he replied, “I prefer ‘suggestion.’ ‘Criticism’ and ‘critique’ feel too formal for the vast majority of situations.”
My Younger Son, Jack
Jack, in his mid-thirties, responded,
For things that are sensitive I prefer to be asked prior to receiving criticism. Mainly because if I’m in a vulnerable state around something the criticism potentially can do more harm than good. For things I’m not too invested in I don’t care as much. If someone isn’t sure about if something would be sensitive or not, I’d suggest they err on the side of caution and ask permission.
When asked about any preference regarding criticism, critique, or suggestion, he replied, “I don’t have a preference. Suggestion is probably the least loaded though.”
My Wife, Andrea
The audience and tone of voice are factors for me. I’m open to hearing most criticism, critique, suggestion, or feedback – no preference there – if presented in a kind manner. From experience, asking permission to give or take feedback first seems to help soften defensiveness. Engaging in brief conversation, allows me and hopefully others, to use the information from the encounter for reflection.
My Personal Approach
Dr. Jeffrey Rubin
I use to get quite defensive in my earlier years, but through studying some wisdom traditions, and perhaps from just getting more mature, I’ve learned to experience criticism as pleasant exchanges and helpful. In fact, I often find it fun.
There is no need, when someone criticizes me to pull any punches, or beat around the bush, just come out with it as you like. I can see why some would prefer the word suggestion, but as for me, call it whatever you prefer.
As I discussed in my previous post on this topic, like John Stuart Mill in his brilliant book On Liberty, I have become convinced that when people criticize us, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of,
….let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…. In the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind.
And I like that this approach moves us to an authoritative approach to issues in contrast to an authoritarian approach. There are times when I do get a hit of angst, but it is received with confidence that I can use the angst to deepen my search to find a better response.
As I explained in earlier posts, to my mind a helpful response to criticism looks like this:
The person being criticized listens to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then makes it clear that he or she fully understands what was said by summarizing it. The person, moreover, puts the criticizer at ease by indicating the wise learn from criticism. Some time is spent on showing that he or she is thinking about the criticism. If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be correct, a statement is frankly made indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.” If, after processing, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable. More specifically, a sense of humor, some empathic listening, and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain. As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.
Okay, there you have it, some thoughts on this challenging topic. I’d love to get reactions from readers.
Until next time, have a great week.
My Best,
Jeff
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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.
If you had asked me those questions, I would have answered: I don’t care in what way someone gives me feedback. What interests me is how they respond to my response to it. And that can sometimes be very entertaining. I mean for me. Not for them.
Btw, I wonder why Bob Parker used email and didn’t post his comments publicly.
Hi Roald,
Your comment tells us that responses to your responses to feedback can be very interesting. I’m intrigued, and would love to have you post a couple of examples.
Warm regards,
Jeff
In accordance with your request, here are a few examples.
1. Sunday School: The teacher complained that I was not interested in what she was teaching, and that I was disturbing her by doing all kinds of lame things. Back at home I delved a little deeper into the Bible (yes, I could read before I was in primary school) and the next Sunday asked her how it was possible that while all people descended from Adam and Eve, Cain, after being expelled from Paradise and then wandering the planet, arrived in the land of Nod and married a woman there. The teacher came up with some nonsense. I didn’t fall for that and kept pushing. At the end she became hysterical, screamed, and kicked me out of her classroom.
2. The Army: During an Uzi class, I was reprimanded by the sergeant teacher for not paying attention, not respecting him, and chatting too much with other soldiers. I then started asking him questions about the technical aspects of the Uzi and its use. The poor guy didn’t know I was already an expert on a few weapons, the Uzi in particular, and answered my questions with great enthusiasm. My questions went from simple to more and more complicated. At the end he got completely stuck and said: “To answer this question, I have to do some research first”. I replied, “You don’t have to do that, sarge.” And then answered my question myself. The whole platoon was laughing their asses off, and the sergeant turned pale, and didn’t know what to do.
3. The University: A professor criticized the fact that, even though I had attended all of his classes, I had failed to do a required presentation. I had to compensate for that. I thought that was right. He then told me what to do. I noticed that it was the same as what a friend of mine had to do. Since that friend had also missed virtually all classes, I thought that was unjust. The professor thought that was nonsense, and said in an angry and contemptuous voice, “I don’t care. Do what I’ve told you. And if you don’t, I won’t sign your certificate. Come back in three weeks”. I replied: “If you’re not willing to correct this, I will do it myself, and will compensate what I consider to be fair.” He just laughed haughtily. And then this tough guy sent me on my way.
I waited for him outside. Then followed him in my car. Not secretly, though. I wanted him to notice my action. Once at his home, I parked my car in front of his house. Took a few pictures of it.
Next day I did the same. Did this for several days in an irregular manner. I also followed his wife shopping, driving her kids to school, to some friends, to music lessons, etc. Also made sure she saw me doing this.
Three weeks later I went back to his office at the university. Didn’t bring anything with me. No compensation work, nothing. I entered his room. Said nothing. Neither did he. Tough guy was gone. He just handed me my certification, signed.
Note: I could go on and on, and probably could write a book about this kind of feedback. Still, I can’t say that this behavior of mine has ever really made me happy. A little satisfaction? A kick from setting assholes straight? Certainly! But what really makes me feel sitting on top of the world, is when my behavior causes other people feel great, relaxed, inspired, relieved, and happy.
Roald,
You provided examples of responses to responses to feedback that you found entertaining. In your examples, you refer to those who had provided you feedback as assholes. Do you think that’s really an apt description of them? I get the sense of why they had angered you, but I get the sense as well, having had extensive exchanges on this blog with you that you are a deeper, more subtle thinking than summarizing an individual in this manner.
My Best,
Jeff
In all three cases, I responded to the way they had treated me in that specific situation, and not to their overall personality.
An example from practice: A student of our educational institute had made a mess of things. I told him without any further ado that this was completely incorrect and that he should not do that shit again. About half an hour later I invited him to play a game of chess with me. He looked at me in complete bewilderment and said: “You just criticized and embarrassed me terribly, and now you want to play chess with me? Wtf, sir?” I replied, “I gave you a piece of my mind because of your study behavior today. Not because I think you’re an asshole as a person.” And then we had a great game of chess.
I think I understand your approach, Roald. You respond to criticism you don’t like by doing something annoying to the criticizer at first, and then you clarify to the criticizer that your response was targeted, not at the whole person, just to the behavior, and then you do something positive with the criticizer. Does this capture your approach? I’m wondering if you think this is the ideal approach when someone finds your criticism objectionable–in terms of the golden rule.
My Best,
Jeff
It is not unusual that also multipolar people (e.g. me) entertain a few mental scripts for how they will act in a given situation (for example, if they are criticized). But just like real artists, Kravists, and other non-vanilla people, they don’t always stick to them. When and when not, depends on who and what they are dealing with, their mood, what they want to achieve, how important it is to them, etc. So it can vary. Personally, I sometimes throw my entire script in the trash and just go with what I want and need to do at a specific moment. Wrong or not, it doesn’t matter to me then, including the possible consequences.
The Golden Rule (“Treat others as you would like others to treat you”) is not for me. Why not? Because it’s possible that those others don’t want to be treated the way I want to be treated. Maybe they even would hate it.