Criticism and the Desire to be Liked

Welcome to From Insults to Respect.

When someone provides criticism anger often ensues.

The above comic offers us a fine example. Why is Sally getting so angry over her brother’s comment? Could it have to do with the desire to be liked and loved?

For many of us, not being liked or loved is the worst thing imaginable. When you’re around someone who likes you, oftentimes that makes life more pleasant.

People don’t only desire to be liked, they also desire that people like their clothes, their appearance, and their acts as well.

There is within natural selection theory a hypothesis about why people feel so strongly about being liked. This hypothesis states that people have an inborn fear of not being liked because in some ancient cultures someone not liked would be banished from the tribe, and those banished would be less likely to survive in the harsh environs of the day than those who were not banished. It is also possible that people are more likely to help others who are liked, and this too provides an increase chance of survival.

The anxiety of not being loved as much as you desire, when coupled with the fear that accompanies the image of being all on your own can be so uncomfortable that it leads individuals to do some creative acts to ward off these feelings.

For me the following poem by Emily Dickinson beautifully captures what may be going on inside of us when we feel the sense of not being loved:

Emily Dickinson

There is a pain — so utter —
It swallows substance up —
Then covers the Abyss with Trance —
So Memory can step
Around — across — upon it —
As one within a Swoon —
Goes safely — where an open eye —
Would drop Him— Bone by Bone.

Here Dickinson talks about a pain so utter it swallows substance up and then covers the abyss with trance. The experience of being unloved and all alone is like this. Any act that reminds an individual of these feelings can provoke defensiveness.

Many people don’t like it when they are criticized and begin to take some action to discourage it. In our Peanuts comic, Sally feels her brother is wrong for not liking her swirls, and perhaps attached to those feelings is fear of not being liked. Why else would she act so strongly about her brother’s comment?

By more deeply understanding why people can react so strongly to criticism, we can see better how to deal with them. For example, if Charlie Brown indeed likes his sister, he would be wise to consider if there is any value to letting her know this more often than he has been doing. A comment from time to time such as, “You know Sally, you’re my sister and I love you a whole bunch,” could be very helpful to fulfill her desire to be liked.

Another approach Charlie Brown could try is to begin to teach Sally that he can still like her even if he doesn’t think what she did on some occasion was great. We can love the person even when we don’t love the act the person has carried out. If Charlie Brown would help Sally to fulfill her desire to be liked on a regular basis by using these techniques, the recurring conflict that involves her desire to be liked may come up less frequently when he criticizes her. He would have to try it out to test this hypothesis, but it at least gives Charlie Brown a plan that has the potential to improve his current situation.

Being aware of the connection between the desire to be liked and criticism also helps us to be aware that sometimes it is better not to criticize someone in front of others. Notice what happens after Charlie Brown criticizes Sally’s swirls and then Sally interprets Snoopy as having also criticized them.

Sally becomes even more upset. When you become threatened because you think that one person doesn’t like you, it becomes even more painful when others gang up on you.

The words Sally uses when she hollers at Snoopy are interesting— “And who asked you?” It suggests that Sally feels that if she did not ask Snoopy for his opinion, he has no right to be giving his opinion. Sally’s view is quite common.

Why aren’t unsolicited negative criticisms welcomed? For many, it hurt because it brings up the feeling of “not being liked.” When we come to realize this, we may pause before giving an opinion, which is a type of criticism, and ask ourselves if it is worth the risk of starting a conflict about being liked.

Now there are occasions when the risk makes sense. Let’s say I’m dating Alison, and it is pretty clear she likes me and that I like her. But there is one thing Alison does that is making me feel like I want to end our relationship—when she criticizes me, she uses a very nasty tone that involves shouting and glares. She hasn’t asked me for my opinion, but I feel that it’s worth a shot to confront her with this because both of us could benefit from solving this problem.

Knowing that when people are criticized it often brings up this recurring “liking” conflict, I could present my comments to her carefully. I can seek to find a time when we are all alone and she appears to be open and relaxed. At that time, I could say, “Alison, I sure like you a lot. I’m very physically attracted to you, you’re smart, and most of the time you treat me in a very caring way that I really love. I am having difficulty with this one problem though. There are times I do something that you don’t like, and when you confront me, you do it in a tone that’s beginning to get to me.”

Notice how I began my comments by reassuring her that I like her and by giving her a few specific examples of what I like about her. This helps to fulfill her desire to be liked. Once this desire is fulfilled to some degree, it can potentially decrease the intensity of the conflict as we attempt to solve the problem.

It’s interesting that some people, even when they realize that providing criticism at a given point in time is not the best thing to be doing, have a hard time refraining. Sometimes we have to work on making changes over a period of time.

Seeing ourselves make mistakes while we are trying to make a change may lead to our criticizing ourselves. Most of us desire to like ourselves. To feel the blues deeply while knowing that mistakes are part of the learning process is a different bluesy feeling than the feeling we get when we think a mistake means we are inherently, unchangeably not likable. The “learning” bluesy feeling is more hopeful. Learning to be kind to yourself when you make a mistake is an important step in learning to be kind to others when you see them make mistakes.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

conflict resolutioncriticismThe desire to be liked