by Jeffrey Rubin, PhD

When I got the phone call informing me that I was accepted into the University  of Minnesota’s Psychology/Philosophy PhD program I experienced a happiness as grand as the Mighty Mississippi. With it came a charge of energy, and a hint of anxiety as my mind raced to think of what I needed to do to get ready for the move to the Twin Cities.

By the next day, the dramatic high I initially felt began to ease into some other, more complex emotions. I felt moments of sadness when I realized how far I would be from my family and friends back in Brooklyn. Anxiety came upon thoughts of the possibility of spending so much on this undertaking despite the possibility that I might flunk out?

Now, many people when they think of what happiness means, they simply say it is a pleasant experience. This definition is not wrong. However, a single word can have several different meanings. Today, in order to clear up some misunderstandings, I would like you to keep in mind one particular slightly more complex meaning for happiness.

This type of happiness has three features. First, it occurs upon the awareness that one of your challenging desires has turned from maybe likely to occur to one that is very likely to occur or indeed has occurred. I use the term “challenging desire” to distinguish it from others that are so easy to achieve that there is not much thought or emotion given to them. For example, you might wake up in the morning desiring to have breakfast. If you have a well practiced way to prepare it and you are fully confident that you can make this happen, then this would not be a challenging desire. When I had the desire to be admitted to Minnesota’s graduate program, I was not fully confident that the steps I took to achieve this would work and therefore it is an example of a challenging desire.

A pleasant feeling is the second feature of this type of happiness. The third feature is a shot of energy that functions to focus on achieving some important things in light of this new awareness.

So, in the example with which I began this post, 1. I learned that my challenging desire to be accepted into the Minnesota program was fulfilled, 2. felt a surge of happiness, which was then, 3. accompanied by a shot of energy helping me to increase my focus on what I needed to do as a result–arrange for moving, helping my wife to apply for a job, etc.. Here’s another example.

Jill has fallen in love with Bob and has the challenging desire that someday he will ask for her lovely hand in marriage. One evening he pops the question and although she knows that something could go wrong during the interim between being asked and the wedding day, just knowing Bob has asked her is a far more hopeful stage in her relationship. This recognition is accompanied by a feeling of happiness and a shot of energy. She uses this energy to begin to consider what kind of wedding she desires, where will they live, and numerous other details that must be tended to. As this process unfolds, the sense of happiness fades from time to time as other feelings arise to the surface.

Now, many people in our society have the belief that it just might be possible to find a way to always be happy. Moreover, if they are not as perpetually happy as they wish to be, they may begin to think that they have some mental illness such as depression, an idea that many in psychiatry and the pharmaceutical industry have an interest in promoting. Meanwhile, some people who hear about a person whose goal in life is to simply be happy, lose respect for that person, viewing them as shallow and having superficial desires.

Today, we are going to look at three highly respected people, long gone, that had disagreed with the goal of perpetual happiness, and then we will turn to a discussion about the importance of making the crucial distinction between happiness and well-being.

Three Respected Folks That  Had Questioned The Goal Of Happiness

In a book titled, Living Philosophies: A Series of Intimate Credos, the first chapter is by Albert Einstein. There he states in part:

The ideals which have always shone before me and filled me with the joy of living are goodness, beauty, and truth.  To make a goal of comfort or happiness has never appealed to me; a system of ethics built on this basis would be sufficient for a herd of cattle.

When I read the rest of Einstein’s chapter, I came away with the following image. He viewed happiness as one-half of an oscillation process, with sadness and happiness going back and forth, thrusting his ship forward, and where he chose to steer his ship was in the direction that led to goodness, beauty, and truth.

This is a deeper way to view the nature of happiness, and for those of us who want to be respected for being deep, in contrast to shallow, I think that there may be some value in meditating on this.

In September 1965 the humorist, Leo Rosten, published an essay titled “The Myths by Which We Live” in “The Rotarian” magazine. It reads in part,

“Finally there is the myth which gives me the greatest pain: the myth that the purpose of life is happiness, and that you ought to have fun, and that your children ought to have fun. Where was it written that life is so cheap? Where was it written that life is, or should be, or can ever be free of conflict and effort and deprivation and sacrifice?…the purpose of life is not to be happy at all. It is to be useful, to be honorable. It is to be compassionate. It is to matter, to have it make some difference that you lived.”

I’ve been told that the famous essayist, Ralph Waldo Emerson, had expressed a similar point of view.

Add to the above views on happiness the fact that many people perceive people who always act like they are happy and positive are annoying and are frequently insulted by being called a Pollyanna. Although it is true that some people enjoy being around someone who at least appears to be always happy and uplifting, there may be a point that even they find it annoying. With these complicating considerations in mind, let’s see what comes from making a distinction between happiness and well-being.

Distinguishing Happiness from Well-Being

Patrick Jones, in the June 2023 issues of Review of General Psychology provides us an article titled, “Mindfulness and Nondual Well-Being–What is the Evidence that We Can Stay Happy.” There we find that many researchers for many years tended to use terms such as well-being, life satisfaction, and happiness interchangeably. More recently, well-being has become the dominant term and is seen as a subjective experience that includes the role of affect, a broad range of cognitive processes utilized to evaluate external conditions and to deliver satisfaction with one’s life. Although positive and negative events can temporarily affect well-being, people typically maintain a relatively stable level of well-being.

“That is, satisfaction with one’s life is seen to be under homeostatic control within a set point that ensures that people usually return to a resourced and mostly positive view of their lives…. This can be made up of internal buffers such as optimism or reframing, and external buffers such as seeking social support to get us back on track.”

Typically, when people are asked how satisfied they are with their life, they generally answer about three-quarters satisfied and they vary just a few points from their average level, despite variations in the conditions they experience. As we can see, Mr. Jones is discussing something different than the experience I referred to as happiness, which occurs during certain points in one’s life, rather than a feeling about one’s life in a general kind of way.

Some people find that their homeostatic set point can be defeated under some trying conditions. How might a person find a way to return to their set point?

Patrick Jones presents evidence that mindfulness training may target psychological dimensions that could contribute to an experience of well-being that transcends the impact of life conditions. He reviews evidence that practicing mindfulness increased positive affect, emotional self-regulation, and self-compassion, strengthens interpersonal relationships, and selfless behavior, and may set the foundations of emotional stability. It was also found to decrease negative affect in response to negative stimuli and build greater resilience to trauma. Finally, in terms of its role in the maintenance of well-being, mindfulness increased attentional regulation, which in turn was found to build greater sensitivity and capacity to notice or interrupt negative thoughts and behavior that may threaten well-being.

From the above description of mindfulness, I think by now you can see there is a distinct difference between the swell of happiness connected to achieving challenging desires versus what recent research studies have been discussing under the term “well-being.” Referring to both as the same thing can be misleading as I hope to make clear in the next section.

The Importance of Making the Distinction

One reason for making the distinction is telling people that your goal in life is happiness when you actually mean, improve your well-being, has the potential of leading some to think you are a shallow person. It is also important to clarify with yourself what you personally mean by happiness because if you are really seeking to always feel like when you achieve a challenging desire, you are very likely setting yourself up for a lifetime of disappointment.

If, instead, you seek to improve your well-being, there is some research evidence that this can be accomplished. The regular practice of meditation, taking daily walks–especially in natural settings beside a body of water appear promising paths toward this goal.

In addition to research evidence, I can speak to my own experience. For me, when I was in my teens, most of my experiences were seen dualistically, that is either good or bad. Although I still experience a few things, such as Russia attacking Ukraine, as bad, most of my experiences that I used to see as bad I now view as the grand tapestry of life. I still grieve about certain things, but it has taken on a new feel. I experience the bodily sensation that comes with the awareness of what led to my grieving, allow myself to feel it deeply, savor the experience, and in time, thoughts come to me on how to move productively forward. Joni Mitchell, in her lovely song, “Hejira” well captures what I am trying to convey–“There’s comfort in melancholy where there is no need to explain, it’s as natural as the weather in this moody sky today.”

Okay then, that’s my post for today. I hope it provides a few nourishing ideas to reflect upon until next time. Have a great week, and may your well-being be all that you desire!

Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

conflict resolutionhappinesswell-being