Welcome to From Insults to Respect. 

By now you must have heard about the slap heard around the world, it being so widely discussed on media reports and Internet forums. What I found concerning in these discussions is the absence of what Will Smith could have done differently to deal with his emotional response to his wife’s reaction to a Chris Rock joke other than “he shouldn’t have done it.”

The joke alluded to Smith’s wife, Pinkett Smith, possibly some day appearing in a new “G.I. Jane” movie because of her closely buzzed haircut that looks similar to the star of the first G.I. movie who had her hair buzzed as the cadet in the military role she was playing.

Pinkett Smith has alopecia, an autoimmune disorder that causes a person’s hair to fall out. No doubt she understandably has strong emotional feelings around this.

When Smith’s wife reacted to the joke by giving him a side-eye annoyed look, this, along with the joke, triggered Smith to walk up to the stage and strike Rock. So, that’s one way to respond. What are other alternatives?

Five Ways to Respond to Criticism

To find out how people feel about different styles of responding to criticism, I made a lot of TV shows with a variety of actors.

In each show the actors respond to criticism in different ways. Then I asked others to watch the shows.  Together, we discussed their reactions to the way the people in the video recordings handle the criticism.

I soon became very familiar with what people like and respect when it comes to responding to criticism. This helped me to come up with five different ways to handle criticism. I put them in order from the least respected to the most respected.  Level one is the least liked. Each higher level is viewed as more mature, likable, and respected by those who watched the video recordings. Let’s take a look at these four levels.

Five Levels of Responding to Criticism

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

• Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts without utilizing at lest a level 4 response
• Physically attacks the criticizer
• Damages property

2.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

• Insults the criticizer (either with words, hand gestures, the sticking out of a tongue, the rolling of the eyes, or smirks)
• Glares at the criticizer
• Threatens the criticizer
• Punches, kicks, or throws an object without physically hurting someone or damaging anything
• Criticizes the criticizer without first fully addressing the original criticism.
  

3.  This level requires displaying one or both of the following:

• Displays defensiveness without directly insulting the criticizer (raising voice’s volume or pitch)
• Displays a lack of interest either by verbally indicating this, or with nonverbal cues, or complete silence. 

4.  Level 4 individuals listen to the criticizer in a supportive, warm, friendly style, and then make it clear that they fully understand what was said.  Moreover, they put the criticizer at ease by making statements that indicate that the wise learn from criticism.  Some time is spent on showing that they are thinking about the criticism.  If, after thinking about the criticism the criticism is deemed to be correct, they make a statement frankly indicating, “I can see your ideas have merit and I intend to use them in the future.”  If they are not sure if they agree, they make a statement indicating that they are very interested in what was said, plan to think a little more about this over the next few days and then they will be ready to discuss this further.  If, after thinking about the criticism, the criticism is deemed to be incorrect, a statement is made designed to disagree without being disagreeable.  More specifically, a sense of humor, some listening in a caring way and a few smiles help to traverse rough terrain.  As the episode winds down, the criticizer is encouraged to feel comfortable communicating suggestions in the future.

5. Level 5.  In addition to actions consistent with level 4, people responding to criticism in a manner consistent with level 5 seek ways to use, whenever they disagree with the criticism, a technique known as steering in the direction the criticizer would prefer to go.  That is, rather than just disagreeing without being disagreeable, the criticized person seeks to find a new choice of action that creatively utilizes some aspect suggested from the criticism.  Steering cannot be incorporated into all situations, but it is an additional goal of the most mature individuals.

People who viewed the responses to criticism video recordings differed in age (from 10 to senior citizens) and the region of the country that they lived (mid-west, east coast, inner city, suburb or small town). Regardless of their age and where they lived, they rated people who displayed responses to criticism in a style consistent with the higher levels as more likable, respected and mature.

What level best matches what Smith did when he slapped Rock?

If your answer is level 1, I agree with you. In thinking about this, those who did the ratings in my studies explained their answer in a variety of ways. Some applied the golden rule, saying “I wouldn’t like it if I said something to somebody and it was perceived as a criticism, that they would strike me.” Others pointed out that you can be arrested for hitting someone and getting embroiled in a whole legal mess.

In a more recent reaction to what Smith did, Rock’s mother, Rose Rock, chimed in, saying in an interview with Live 5 News,

“The slap didn’t only hurt my son. When he slapped Chris, he slapped all of us,” she said, telling the station, “He really slapped me.”

Her point is that you often don’t just hurt the person you strike. Others completely innocent of any perceived wrong doing can be harmed as well.

Example of a Higher Level Response

Other than just saying he shouldn’t have done it, can we, upon looking at the five levels, envision what could have been a better alternative than slapping Rock. Here’s one possibility. He could have walked up to the stage and whispered to Rock, in a caring way, “Hey, brother, my wife is really having a hard time dealing with her hair issue, so, please, if you will, cut out any more jokes about her.”

Such a response would have provided an opportunity for Smith to express what he was feeling. It also probably would have convinced Rock to move on to other completely unrelated matters. In fact, by the time Smith had walked up to the stage, Rock had already begun to move on.

Smith might have still been criticized for interfering with the Oscar Academy’s schedule, but it would have been a brief two or three minute interruption, and I very much doubt such an approach would have been anywhere as harmful as what happened after the smack–having police officers ask Rock whether he wanted to arrest Smith for an assault, numerous media reports condemning his actions, harming Rock’s mom, and a ten-year suspension from attending any Academy event.

So, those are some thoughts for today. I hope you join us again right here at From Insults to Respect.

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

Chris RockResponding wisely to criticismWill Smith's Slap