Welcome to From Insults to Respect. As you might imagine, people who are viewed as wise tend to be more respected than people who are viewed as foolish. With that in mind, let’s take a look at a few suggestions for improving our wisdom.

Assessing Openness

Consider, if you will, an old joke–If you want people to respect you for your wisdom, just agree with everything they tell you.

As a joke, it works, but is it truly a wise approach for increasing your wisdom? In thinking about this, let’s take a look at some advice Thomas Jefferson once gave to his daughter.

“Much better…if our companion views a thing in a light different from what we do, to leave him in quiet possession of his view.  What is the use of rectifying him if the thing be unimportant; and if important let it pass for the present, and wait a softer moment and more conciliatory occasion of revising the subject together.”

Now, for some people, this makes perfect sense. However, others respect individuals who are forthright about their opinions, and personally enjoy a lively exchange even with someone who holds very different views from their own. For these folks, being with someone who either just agrees with everything they say, or just nods at whatever they say, is boring.

John Stuart Mill is a fine example of someone who respects a conversation with people holding different views, as we see in his 1859 book titled On Liberty. There he declares that if people express an opinion different than our own, even for holding an opinion we are very sure of,

let us thank them for it, open our minds to listen to them, and rejoice…in the case of any person whose judgment is really deserving of confidence, how has it become so? Because he has kept his mind open to criticism of his opinions and conduct. Because it has been his practice to listen to all that could be said against him; to profit by as much of it as was just, and expound to himself, and upon occasion to others, the fallacy of what was fallacious. Because he has felt, that the only way in which a human being can make some approach to knowing the whole of a subject, is by hearing what can be said about it by persons of every variety of opinion, and studying all modes in which it can be looked at by every character of mind.

Here we see a man who was very open to hearing an opinion very different from his own, and having discussions about what he thought was wrong. This, he believed, profit people, leading to a better understanding of the subject.

So, when deciding whether to acquiesce to the opinions of others, remaining silent, or taking up the challenge of presenting your alternative views, consider the wisdom of first assessing if the person you are interacting with has an “open minded” or “close minded” personality.

People who tend to be high in the trait of openness are more willing to embrace new things, fresh ideas, and novel experiences. When they hear someone who disagrees with them, they are interested to explore how that someone thinks about the subject. People who are close minded, in contrast, upon hearing someone disagreeing with them, close up like a turtle while experiencing defensiveness.

Therefore, when with people you don’t yet know whether or not they are open minded and you hear them express an opinion with which you disagree, you might want to first assess where they are on this open minded-close minded continuum. This can be easily done by you by first summarizing their opinion, showing an interest by asking a few clarifying questions, and then saying something like, “I heard a different opinion about this topic, and I’d like to get your reaction.” Then, after briefly describing the alternative view, see if the person indicates an openness to discuss this. If he or she starts to get defensive by saying something like, “That’s stupid,” and, “Only idiots think that way,” it may be wise to take the discussion no further.

Notice that with this approach, you don’t initially claim that the alternative position is correct, or that it is something you firmly believe, thus avoiding leading people you are talking with to feel you have attacked them for their belief.

If the person appears open to a friendly discussion that includes different views, then have at it, but avoid saying things like “that’s stupid.” Stick to reasoned arguments, make sure you give the other person plenty of time to respond, try to find some merit in at least some aspects of the view you generally disagree with, and aim to be humble. In this context, what do I mean by being humble? It is avoiding presenting your views in a tone that suggests you are absolutely right, and the other position is absolutely wrong. You want to present the image that you are open to considering all that is being said.

In Situations In Which You Will Be Repeatedly Interacting With People, Utilize The “Summarize And Delay Technique”

In many social situations, if you find that you don’t enjoy them, it is a simple matter to avoid them in the future. Not so in many workplace situations, or at school where attending is mandatory. Also, when invited to a social party, you may want to keep getting invited to future parties with these folks even if some of the attendees are not your cup of tea. This may be so because you enjoy most of the attendees, or your regular participation at attending provides valuable information about what is going on in the neighborhood.

In these repeated social interactions, you are likely to hear every now and then a topic raised, and some may say something about it with which you disagree. To increase how much respect those in attendance view your wisdom consider the following.

Just make a note of the topics that have come up for the first time, while avoiding taking a clear position on it. If someone asks you for your opinion, summarize the topic, and summarize what others have already said about it. Then say you want to give this some thought because you think the issues may be somewhat more complicated than what may appear at first to be the case. Then say that after you give this some deeper thought, you’ll be delighted to share what you have learned.

Then, over the next few days, search on the internet, or go to the library to find some well thought out views on each of the topics by some respected writers. Seek to find some great writers who have different views on the same topic.

When this research is complete to your satisfaction, write out what you want to say about the topic with an eye of balancing short term and long term goals, and how different situations might call for different approaches. Your opening paragraph is best framed as something you can say in a couple of minutes. Finally, have someone you respect critique what you wrote. By doing this, your comments at your social gathering will tend to be far wiser than if you just jump into expressing your opinion without utilizing this technique.

When you do provide your opinion, begin by noting that you have found that different respected authorities have come to very different conclusions on this topic. Be prepared to be able to summarize these different views, but your opening statement is best kept to the one or two minute paragraph that you crafted when you wrote out your entire position, because typically people don’t appreciate a long lecture. If people you are talking with are really interested in delving into the topic, they will make some reply, perhaps presenting an alternative view.

After giving others an ample opportunity to comment, you can then provide more of your opinion in a two or three minute segment. Then, once again, let others respond, and continue in this give and take manner. Present your own conclusions in a humble, tentative manner, while remaining open to hearing critiques of what you offer. Avoid, getting defensive, and if someone raises a good point that you have not yet considered, reply humbly with a statement such as, “I think there is some merit in what you have said.” Then summarize it, and say, “I’d like to give this some thought and then I’ll get back to you.”

Conclusion

Wisdom is a prized characteristic. Avoiding angering close minded people for no substantially good reason is one technique that can raise the estimate of your wisdom. Utilizing the “Summarize and Delay” technique will not only increase how others view your wisdom, it may also very well actually increase your wisdom. In your discussion, avoid coming off like you are trying to humiliate those with different views. Rather, empathize with them, and above all, be kind.

These suggested techniques may not turn you into a great sage, but I do humbly think they have the potential of substantially increasing your wisdom.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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