Welcome to From Insults to Respect. Today, we once again take up the topic of crying and its relationship to respect.

Perhaps some might wonder why more than one post was not sufficient to amply cover this tearful topic. I would have been among those who wondered about this a few years ago, but then I wrote a post titled, “Responding to Criticism: Four levels of Maturity.” There, the most immature level was originally described as:

1.  This level requires displaying one or more of the following:

• Weeps or sobs with tears or pouts
• Physically attacks the criticizer
• Damages property

I had derived this level along with the three higher levels by first making a lot of TV shows with a variety of actors. In each show, the actors respond to criticism in different ways. Then I asked others to view the shows. Together, the viewers and I discussed our reactions to the way the actors in the video recordings handle criticism.

I soon became very familiar with what people thought of as immature and mature responses. I then put them in order from the least to the most respected. Then, when I published the post that described these four levels of maturity, I began to get a great deal of criticism because I included the crying description as one of the most immature responses.

To address the criticism, I wrote a follow-up post titled “Responding to Criticism by Crying: Is it a Sign of Immaturity?” It became one of my most popular posts immediately upon my publishing it over seven years ago. Since then, people every single day continue to find it through search engines and regularly provide thoughtful comments. Apparently, the post touches a sensitive nerve, and raises new questions that I have tried to answer in follow-up posts.

After considering the feedback, I wrote a follow-up post titled, “My Answer to the Question, Are People Who Cry When Criticized Immature?” There I declared that in response to the feedback, I decided:

Weeping, sobbing and crying will only be viewed as the lowest level of maturity if the person responding to criticism does nothing else but that, or if he or she does that along with the other lowest level responses such as physically attacking the criticizer or damaging property. If, after crying, he or she then begins to display responses consistent with level 4, crying will no longer be viewed as a sign of immaturity.

With that change in my “Responding to Criticism” model, I thought that had put an end to the topic of crying, but then I noticed how embarrassed many folks are if they cry in front of others, typically apologizing and feeling guilty. So I wrote a post about this titled, “I’m Sorry For The Tears.” That post also led to some heartfelt responses. For example, one reader wrote:

I think it is great to get a conversation going about crying. I actually became so emotionally cut off for a period that I didn’t cry for about 10 years. When I began to let my emotions move again though and started to be able to let some tears fall again, I felt that it actually was extremely healthy for me. The tears seem to help emotions move and process through me far better than just forcing them down inside myself like I did for so long. I think the stigma against crying is an unhealthy one, and yes I feel that it is great to develop other tools for processing emotions as well, so that we can have many options for processing the hard things in our lives.

Incredibly, the topic of crying continues to be brought up by readers of this blog, thus leading me to write several additional posts delving into more and more subtle domains. Examples of these can be found in posts titled “Am I Bad for Feeling Sad?” and “Tears at the U.S. Open.”

And now, recently, I was listening to Bob Dylan’s Street Legal album and the song, “Baby, Stop Crying” came on. It led me to to think about today’s question, “Is it okay to ask someone to stop crying?”

Dylan’s Song, “Baby, Stop Crying”

To begin thinking about this, let’s take a quick look at some of the lyrics of Dylan’s song, which he sings, it seems to me, with a bit of annoyance, although we can see in the lyrics he’s trying at the same time to be compassionate:

You been down to the bottom with a bad man, babe
But you’re back where you belong
….
Baby, please stop crying, stop crying, stop crying
Baby, please stop crying, stop crying, stop crying
Baby, please stop crying
You know, I know, the sun will always shine
So baby, please stop crying ’cause it’s tearing up my mind

Go down to the river, babe
Honey, I will meet you there
Go down to the river, babe
Honey, I will pay your fare
….
If you’re looking for assistance, babe
Or if you just want some company
Or if you just want a friend you can talk to
Honey, come and see about me
….
You been hurt so many times
And I know what you’re thinking of
Well, I don’t have to be no doctor, babe
To see that you’re madly in love

Baby, please stop crying, stop crying, stop crying
Baby, please stop crying, stop crying, stop crying
Baby, please stop crying
You know, I know, the sun will always shine
So baby, please stop crying ’cause it’s tearing up my mind

How well did the character in the song handle this crying situation? In thinking about this, I think we can agree that when someone is crying, there are times when it can be annoying. For example, I was once in a hotel room, extremely tired, trying to fall asleep. A baby on the other side of my wall began to let it all out at the top of her or his lungs. I recognized that it wasn’t the baby’s fault, and as a parent myself, I felt some compassion for what was going on. Nevertheless, I sure wished that baby would please stop crying.

I stayed silent. Some time later, upon reflection, I came to think I probably would have been wise to have called the front desk to see if another room was available, but I just laid there fuming for quite some time until I finally dozed off.

In the Dylan song, the character he created is not a baby, he cares about her, but pleads with her to stop crying. He tries to be helpful by offering to pay her fare to go to a more pleasant place–the river. He also lets her know that if she wants to have a friend to talk with, he’s more than willing to make himself available. He does say please, when pleading for her to stop crying.

Is there anything wrong with this approach?

For me, personally, with the exception of the crying baby in the hotel example, and a few times when I was shopping in a store where a baby was loudly crying in an ear piercing manner, I don’t recall experiencing annoyance from anyone crying. Instead, I welcome the opportunity to offer my empathetic support. To me, empathy is the capacity to feel the experiences, needs, aspirations, frustrations, sorrows, joys, anxieties, hurt, or hunger of others as if they were her or his own. It feels natural to me to remain present and to communicate that I care.

That said, I certainly recognize not everyone is the same as me. So, let me try to put myself in the shoes of the character in the song.

Hmmm. Well, if the person identified as babe in the song is crying and it begins to wear on my nerves, I don’t think I would ask her to please stop crying. I guess what I would do is say something like, “Babe, I’m going to take a walk around the block for a few minutes to deal with some feelings that are coming up within me regarding what you are going through. I’ll be back as soon as I can, and then if you think of anything I can do to help, please let me know.” As I prepare to leave, I might go over to her, give her a tender kiss on the cheek, and a gentle loving touch on the back of her shoulder.

I wonder how others feel about this. I invite your thoughts and expressions of your emotional reactions.

My Best,
Jeff

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Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional and social intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

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