Close

BEING CRITICIZED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY

Over the past few weeks, I have been discussing responding to criticism.  To become a master at responding to criticism you have to learn to figure out the reason why someone is criticizing you because different reasons require a different type of response. So far, we discussed three different reasons:

  1. Criticism designed to encourage you to improve
  2. Playful teasing,
  3. The desire to form a bond with a group by putting down non-group members

Today we will focus on dealing with criticism that occurs because someone, or a group of people are jealous of you.

Illustration by Eric Sailer

In the above comic, a young girl is talking about a new kid at school to her counselor.  Apparently the new kid is nice, kind, and helpful.  Such a person may be perceived as having some advantages in getting others to like them.  Perhaps the young girl in the comic is jealous of the new kid.  By the last frame, the young girl is focused not on possessing the advantage, but on expressing her dislike for the new kid who has the advantage.

It is quite a common observation that when people meet up with someone whom they perceive as having an advantage over them—whether it is that the person is taller, handsomer, smarter, nicer, richer, or more talented in some way—some people seek to cut down the person with the perceived advantage.

If someone is criticizing you, how can you tell if it is because of jealousy?  A useful clue that sometimes indicates jealousy is if the insults become more frequent whenever you are recognized by someone as doing something well.  For example, someone cute says you look great or the teacher says you received an “A.”

To create a useful example, let’s call a student Arlene.  A teacher during lunch compliments Arlene for her performance on the volleyball team.  As soon as the teacher leaves, one of the students at Arlene’s table says in a nasty tone:

Illustration by Deanna Martinez

This comment sounds like it may very well be motivated by jealousy.  What would be a wise response for Arlene to make?

If Arlene knows that although it is true that she missed some shots at the game, but still did better than anyone else on the team, would this be a good thing to mention at this time?  This type of response is likely to be viewed by the other students as bragging.  It may increase the motivation to cut her down.

What if instead, Arlene decides to let her actions during the games she plays in speak for themselves?  Whenever she is insulted by the students, she attempts to find an element of truth in the insult and humbly admits to it.  For example, after the student had said, “Arlene’s not so great, she missed lots of shots at the game!” rather than defend herself, suppose Arlene says:

Illustration by Deana Martinez

By doing this, those who have a desire to make Arlene feel down will find that they are at least somewhat satisfied.  This at least reduces the intensity of the conflict rather than increasing it, which is likely to happen if Arlene brags or replies with an insult.  There is power in being humble.  A great sage once said:

“Giving birth and nourishing,     

Bearing yet not possessing,

Working yet not taking credit,

Leading yet not dominating

This is the Primal Virtue.”

Lao Tzu from Tao Te Ching
——————–
Some people will enjoy reading this blog by beginning with the first post and then moving forward to the next more recent one; then to the next one; and so on. This permits readers to catch up on some ideas that were presented earlier and to move through all of the ideas in a systematic fashion to develop their emotional intelligence. To begin at the very first post you can click HERE.

MAKING THE BUS MONITOR CRY: RATING THE SCHOOL'S RESPONSE
CRITICISM PROVIDED BECAUSE OF JEALOUSY: A PARABLE WITH RESPECT TO THE TAO TE CHING

About the Author

Jeffrey Rubin grew up in Brooklyn and received his PhD from the University of Minnesota. In his earlier life, he worked in clinical settings, schools, and a juvenile correctional facility. More recently, he authored three novels, A Hero Grows in Brooklyn, Fights in the Streets, Tears in the Sand, and Love, Sex, and Respect (information about these novels can be found at http://www.frominsultstorespect.com/novels/). Currently, he writes a blog titled “From Insults to Respect” that features suggestions for working through conflict, dealing with anger, and supporting respectful relationships.

4 Comments

  1. Hakim Shabir says:

    great.. worth reading.. love it

  2. Thanks Hakim. I appreciate your kind words of support.

  3. genapp91 says:

    Reblogged this on perhapsomethingnice and commented:
    Well, food for thought! Not every criticism should be taken too personal and it is always good to not be too depressed over the criticisms, like what the article has mentioned, find an element of truth in the insult and humbly admit it. After all, we are only human..

  4. Oliver Jenner says:

    “This comment sounds like it may very well be motivated by jealousy. What would be a wise response for Arlene to make?”

    The sum total of me is greater than you. Live with it:-)

Write Your Comment

You may use these HTML tags and attributes:
<a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>